Here’s the Truth Most People Miss:

Good communication — the kind where people actually listen — happens when what you say fits the way the other person already sees the world, or it expands their view — in a way that feels interesting, safe, or useful.

If what you say feels like a challenge to their status, their beliefs, or their identity…

They’ll shut down.

So how do you disagree — without losing control or respect?

By 'panning' the frame before you share your view.

There are many ways to disagree agreeably — in a way that makes others listen, and even become persuaded by what you have to say. Here are three of the most useful, you can use today.

3 Powerful Tactics to Disagree Agreeably —and Still Influence

Tactic #1: Align First, Then Expand

The biggest school boy or girl error you can make (and most people do) is to make the other person feel like they are wrong. Do that and you are making a rod for yourself.

So the minimum things NOT to say are stuff like:

• "You're wrong!
• "That's total BS!"
• "Are you for real?"

Instead, show them you understand where they’re coming from by acknowledging their point of view.

“You raise a good/interesting/thought provoking point. Given what you've said, that makes a lot of sense, I'm wondering..." followed by what you want to introduce into the conversation to alter or expand the frame.

For example: Let's say a person believes in the fundamental right to privacy and are believe that the state needs more powers in keeping people safe. You might say:

"You raise a great point about how important it is for police to have the right tools to protect the public. I'm wondering, did you hear Apple have recently agreed to disable their advanced encryption services for users in the UK? As someone who values [for example, privacy] do you see any risks in this for upholding citizen's right to privacy?"

The bottom line is people listen more when they feel seen and heard. Do that and don't try to Jedi move them to change their mind in ONE move, it will likely result in triggering resistance.

Remember, you become more influential when you allow them to see you can be influenced and are genuinely listening to their point of view.

Tactic #2: Protect Their Status

There's no faster way to get someone to switch off listening to you if you are perceived to by trying to make them look foolish, stupid or do something that causes embarrassment to them.

When disagreeing agreeably with others, a useful principle to follow is:

Respect their experience — raise it, don’t challenge it.

You can frame it like this:

“You’ve clearly thought this through…”

“With your background, I’m curious what you think of this…”

They’ll respect you more, when they feel respected.

Tactic #3: Frame Disagreements as Questions — Not Challenges

When someone says something you disagree with and you feel the urge to push back, don’t. If you want to be persuasive, instead, frame your disagreement as a personal confusion, not a contradiction or intellectual shortcoming by them.

Why does this work?

Because confusion lowers resistance. It shifts the tone from “I’m right, you’re wrong” to “Help me understand.”

Try These Phrases:

• “I’m a bit confused — can you walk me through that again?”
• “I don't think I quite got that point you were making, could you explain it more?”
• “I don’t understand how [X] leads to [Y] — can you elaborate?”

This keeps the frame collaborative, not confrontational. And if you identify inconsistencies in their logic which you jointly discover then it creates an opportunity for them to correct themselves without feeling attacked or belittled.

This is non-confrontational, non-presumptuous, and disarms defensiveness.

You’re not attacking their view — you’re inviting clarity.

And often, when people have to explain something they’ve glossed over, they naturally begin to question their own logic, without you needing to force it.

Just remember when you are using these powerful tactics: Tone is everything.

If you stay calm, composed, and curious, you signal confidence. People mirror that.

Lose your cool? You’ve lost control.

There's many more tactics to framing and leading a conversation in a way that makes it much easier to 1) get people to listen to you and 2) be persuaded by what you say.

When you learn to disagree like I've outlined here, you’ll notice something:

• People start listening more.
• They respect your views.
• You guide and shape the frame — without force.

And people find speaking to you highly persuasive, they can't pinpoint how or why but through seemingly ordinary conversations they change their point of view - even longly held ones - without complication or resistance.

This is one of the most practical skills in real life for leading people, disarming conflict before it starts, and elegantly altering other people's point of view.

Whether you’re talking to a client, boss, friend, or anyone else who matters.

To your success,

Tom

P.S. Mastering how to disagree is just the beginning. If you want to know how to control any conversation — and how others see you — we’ve got something powerful coming your way. Stay tuned for a email from me this week.